Nameless Enemy

 

They say there are only two things certain in this world,death and taxes. I worked with taxes before and up to now I can feel it’s presence every payday but with death? “I’ve never given much thought as to how I would die…”, this is the opening line of my favorite book, Twilight. Just like Bella, I’ve never given much thought as to how I would die. Death will certainly come, it’s only the timing of which that is uncertain, even the best doctors can’t stop it from coming, they can only hold it bay, for God knows how long.
It feels strange writing this entry while waiting for my ride home. But what’s more strange is what made me write these things.

As the old cliche goes, Life is short. I’m a self confessed hypochondriac and today I’m wishing that I am just being such. I can’t imagine a 40 year-old me ‘though I look a lot like my mom, I don’t know why, I just can’t or maybe simply because I won’t reach that age. I’ve always felt that something is inexplicably wrong but I didn’t pay that much attention to it not until today when I experienced it’s dangerous implications. All of a sudden, I understood why Izzie (Grey’s Anatomy) doesn’t want to tell her friends much more her mom, that she’s sick and why she refused treatment at first. Telling them will surely change things and undergoing treatment will mean a lot of do’s and dont’s. Telling them is tantamount to surrendering your normal life something that I don’t want to happen. There are still a lot of things I want to do, I like to go to Paris and have a view of Europe from the top of Eiffel tower, I want to write more, I want to make a mark on the business world, I want to wear a Vera Wang wedding gown and I want to see my mini me. So, no, I’m not going to the doctor, I don’t to want to curtail the normalcy of my life. I want to wake up in the morning preparing for my 8-hour job, chase the train and take out of town trips on weekends. Maybe, that sounds stupid but I don’t think there’s a cure for this, either way death will come and take it’s toll. So let me obtain that license, wear that dress and those stilettos, stroll at Bonifacio high, have coffee at UCC and feel the Boracay sand on my toes,let me enjoy a normal life.

Writing these makes my eyes mist but this is the best way I know how to manage things. It might mean helplessly drowning while snorkeling or getting hit while crossing Ayala Avenue, falling down the stairs while on a hurry chasing the train or fainting in the middle of a meeting, when my nameless enemy will attack me. For now, let me just surrender everything to God and bargain for more as much as I could.

Vaguely Specific

This a post from my old blog dated April 30,2009. I was just surprised that I wrote something like this so let me share it with you.

I am truly obsessed with The Twilight Saga, I’ve got all four books, an e-book copy of all four, I have the giant movie poster, movie companion, I’ve watched it in theaters twice, I’ve watched and listened to it on my laptop for countless times and just recently I bought the two-disc special edition DVD of the movie. Right now, I am looking forward for the movie adaptation of New Moon and Eclipse, I’m hoping that Stephenie Meyer will continue writing Midnight Sun and that Summit Media will make me see Renesmee breathing through the movie adaptation of Breaking Dawn. More than the nearly perfect Edward Cullen and the so easy to fit into image of the lucky girl Bella Swan, more than the appeal of Robert Pattinson and the effortless beauty of Kristen Stewart there is something in the story that made me so hooked to it. I’ve never been obsessed with any book in my life than Twilight, this is the first time, I knew it the moment I read the lines, “I was well aware that my league and his were spheres that did not touch”, in that instant I was bitten by the Twilight bug.

Maybe, obsession is really a part of my system, it’s seldom for me to find something that I would really like but once I’ve found it, I’m so into it. It goes just the same with finding someone to like or maybe to love.

Years ago, I was so into liking a guy whom I practically grew up with. We were friends but for some reason we didn’t know we stopped talking to each other, begin “hating” each other then talking again then becoming friends again. There is something in the friendship, something special, maybe I am just convincing myself or maybe it could also be true. It was so long ago, I’m not hoping to find answers to my questions anymore, it was a distant memory, a part of my juvenile past. But there is one thing I am sure of, I like him so much that it even made me think that I will never feel the same way again towards someone. My liking or maybe my love for him was never reciprocated, there were actions that could be interpreted as signs of affection but there were no words to spell what’s the real deal. I’ve eventually outgrown whatever it is that we have, if there is any to begin with. I spent years trapped on that overrated infatuation or maybe love. But why him? Why did I spent a good 5 or even more years of my life liking him? Maybe, he’s got a bit of the looks and is kindhearted but he also has his flaws and shameful deeds, he has his own share of embarrassments and mishaps but the hell I care, I still like him no matter what and I still can’t figure out to this day why it was him.

As I said, I’ve outgrown whatever it is that connects me to him, I was happy ’cause it felt like freedom but I was sad because I was afraid that I might not be able to feel the same way again, as they say it only comes once in a lifetime and during those times I thought that that “once” was him. But I was wrong ’cause a little less than a month after realizing that I’ve finally outgrown him I am once again beginning to like someone. I was asking myself why? Why him? Why so sudden? I barely knew him but I know in that instant that even if I was desperately trying to deny it to myself, I know that deep down in my core that I like him. It was different, there is something in him and I can’t figure out what it is that made me so into him in just a matter of days that went on to months and now years.

I am often asked by friends what am I exactly looking for, for a boyfriend and I find myself with nothing to say 100% of the time. There is nothing specific but I know that once I found that someone to like and to fell in love with I just know, it’s vague, nothing specific but once I found that someone, he’s the only one specific in my life, the only apple that I want no matter how beautiful the oranges are. It is vague as to the specifications but specific as to the person.

Up to this day it’s still him, it’s been 2 years and 5 months since the day I met and instantly liked him. Some are saying that he is ideal, his looks are presentable, may even be smart, stable, has a good family background, promising future and enough friends to prove that he is kind-hearted. We’re not friends, we are merely acquaintances and I knew all these things about him after liking him, so that only translates to whether I knew about these things or not, nothing will change how I feel towards him. It’s been 8 months since I last saw him and yet here I am still thinking about him and still wishing for him. I couldn’t fathom where his magic over me came from, I know I have a choice, I could stop thinking about him but the heart doesn’t have a choice and I willingly allow it to take over my mind. I know that I am beginning to be pathetic or maybe I already am but even in a distance, just thoughts of him is making my life somehow better. I see him as proof that there are still a few good men out there who are still single, a walking and breathing evidence, a symbol of hope but I know that if I will be honest enough with myself, he is more than that to me. He’s making me not forget how it feels to be maybe in love, a constant reminder of hope, prince charming rescuing damsel in distress personified.

I really am so into him, maybe obsessed is the word, this is my second “so into” status, the first one went to nothing and now as day passes by the flicker of hope is weakening. I don’t know where is this going to but one thing is for sure seeing him with someone officially will truly break my heart. If only we can be friends, if only we were given a chance to know each other more, if only I was not acting like a snob the day I met him, if only I smiled and created a friendly atmosphere around us…if only…then maybe just maybe I could be the one who will give sense to your life and you’ll be the one to give sense to mine. Maybe, I could be the person to whom your question “Can you marry me?” is directed to and I could happily answer “yes”. Maybe, yours and my heart wouldn’t be lonely today. Maybe, right now things wouldn’t be half vague and half specific but rather 100% specific that it’s you.

Real life Popoy and Basha…One More Chance?

When to hold on...When to let go...

They met way back in high school
He’s your average guy
She’s the average girl
No one knew he courted her
‘Though some noticed the closeness
‘Til one day people found out…
They broke up
But they remained friends
Sooner than expected
They’re back together
High School ended
But they stayed together ’til college
‘Til one day they parted ways again
He was linked to a new girl
There were guys courting her
But they still ended up looking for each other
Her mom found out about them
She tried to fight for him
But gave up soon
She left him
But time was really on their side
They met again
And gave another shot at destiny
There were fights, even other parties
But they managed to stay together
‘Til one day they finally decided to end everything.
It was almost a decade
He loves her so much
She loves him as well
But she knows something is missing
She’s happy but she wants to be happier
This is the most serious among all the breakups
For this is the only time he gave up
All the while we thought it’ll be…
From High School to Forever
It can still be,
For both are not closing doors
We’re hoping that just like Popoy and Basha
They’ll have One More Chance.

Waiting for the Fairy Tale Prince

I used to compare waiting for “The One” to waiting for ride towards a destination. I first came into this thought while I was literally waiting for an FX on my way to school, I ended up undecided between waiting for a few more minutes or just taking the jeepney. I was worried that I’ll be late for school, ’til the thought crossed my mind. In life, we often worry that we’ll be left behind by the people around us and oftentimes, we settle for less than what we want, less than what we deserve. Like the others, I was once a victim, I settled for someone less than what I deserve because I don’t want to be left behind by someone. Thank God, that it wasn’t too late for me to decide to get off that ride for I realized it will go nowhere.

Yesterday, I received an email yesterday entitled, “Let God do the Choosing”, so I suddenly remembered that day while I was waiting for a ride to school. So let me share the email with you.

Waiting sometimes feels like eternity

LET GOD DO THE CHOOSING

If men were like buses, how do you catch one?

A more important questions is – how do you catch the RIGHT one?

Simple : You take only the bus that’s headed to the RIGHT direction.

First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before its made on an emotional one.

What about love?, you ask. I’ll tell you why. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer. 17:9). The heart is wilful and is driven by its own agenda It does not consider things rationally and intelligently – it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right directions: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out
his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage.

Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe
that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage. Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively – it is the
decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts.

So when you do gather facts, let us compare the process to clothes shopping.

1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another co-laborer in the faith? Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship.

Is your potential spouse a member of the same family – the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14).

You need to have common interest and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together.

Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn’t interested, don’t waste your time. Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he’s not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he’s not
going your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.

2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you and God’s hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Prov. 18:22). Note – who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you.

In God’s perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don’t have to help a guy out because he’s shy. Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want.

The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman’s mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: “We love him because he first loved us” (1 Jn 4:19).

Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don’t need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man- your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God’s timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found.

Again – WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you – this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be a suitable lover for you.

4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man’s pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven’t seen yet. They reveal things about the guy’s character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put
his best foot forward. Don’t stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don’t like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.

6. Remember that a man’s family reveals the cloth from which he’s cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.

7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? broken relationships? problems in making commitments? including the job market? mood swings? Is a problem always someone else’s fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation?

Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some begin to unravel. Give yourself time and space to check out the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.

8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn’t need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do.

Is your guy guided by a sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person – and you’ll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be supportive of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever. Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with.

You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.

9. Complementarity. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts complement yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way?

This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes.

When I go shopping I always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition.

If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as
the gift that you are?

The man in your life should consider you a rare find, a priceless jewel – because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive!

God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.

10. Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you.

A man’s relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run.

If you and your man can’t soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive.

So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man?

Throughout the biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand that they desired. The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything worth having, costs. And no one gets a ride in this life for free.

Your prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should’ve been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping.

Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me.

As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me.
Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name. Amen.

I totally agree with what was written above and I must admit it that I can’t help but think of one specific person but then, there is one thing lacking in him and that is the means to provide physical sustenance in the future. I’m not belittling him neither do I lack confidence in him. I believe that he is recovering maybe, he just needs to reassess his priorities to have focus on the things that urgently needs it. If he’ll be able to fix it then, maybe there can be a chance.

I do think of him as I was reading ‘though I’m not really sure if he’s the one God has chosen for me. Whoever that person maybe, I’ll be here waiting for him, for us to hold each other and take the ride to forever. 

 

Love is holding

“For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you.” (Isaiah 60:2)

“I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled.” (Jeremiah 1:12)

“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life…I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)

Diamond 2002 Champions

As we go through life, we learn lessons, we achieve things, great or small, we go places, we meet new people whom we’ll either hate or befriend and sometimes even fall in love with. But no matter how far we’ve travelled, how much we’ve learned and achieved, how many places we’ve seen and how many people we’ve crossed our paths with, we will all at one point wonder what happened to those people whom we shared our early stages of growing up during our high school days, the people who at one point made a contribution to who you have become and we’ll end up asking “Where are you now?”

To my favorite teacher
Told me never give up
To my fifth grade crush
Who I thought I really loved
The the guys I miss
And the girls we kissed
Where are you now?
To my ex best friends
Don’t know how we grew apart
To my favorite bands
And sing a longs in my car
To the face I see in my memories
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I’m thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am

Way back then

To my first girlfriend
I thought for sure was the one
To my last girlfriend
Sorry that I screwed up
To the ones I loved
But didn’t show it enough
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I’m thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am

I know we’ll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that’s just how it goes
People change but I know I won’t forget you

To the ones who cared
And who were there from the start
To the love that left
And took a piece of my heart
To the few who’d swear
I’d never go anywhere
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Cause I’m thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn’t for you
I would never be who I am
If it wasn’t for you I’d be nothing
Where are you now?

I smiled the first time I heard this song and also ended up asking myself “Where are you now?”, where are they now? Well, the song doesn’t really just tackle high school but rather a more broad aspect on how the people we met affects our becoming but since high school is a really memorable, I can’t help but associate the song with that part of my life.

Incidentally, two of my high school friends who happens to be my neighbor, as well, thought of having a get together and that got us all excited. We posted numerous announcements in Facebook and began texting our former classmates. Originally, we’re palnning to go to Club Manila East but since it was affected by “Ondoy”, we ended up having dinner at the mall and afterwards, going off to a restobar for some drinks and music.

Last Saturday was really fun out of the 50 students in our class we were able to gather 13 people, quite small from the original population but it’s already an achievement to gather all those people considering our now so complicated schedules.

Some left early due to prior engagements, some came late and that includes me, but it was still fun, nevertheless. I felt like I was 9 years younger, I must admit I acted a bit childish, I somehow forgot what poise meant, the child in me manifested that night upon seeing the people whom I practically grew up with. We’re living different lives now, some turned out as yuppies, some are now nurses, some have their own business. The high school love teams have broken up, some have exchanged partners and now, one of us is surprisingly married with one kid. We’re different now from who we are 8 years ago when we graduated high school but no matter who we have become and who we will be, we are all a part of each others lives, the laughters, tears, jokes, stories, gossips, all these memories will remain in our hearts.

I am not sure if there will again be an event like these in the future but one thing is for sure the bond we have will always be there and we will forever be the “Diamond Champions” not just for 2002 but ’til forever.

Peter Pan… That is to grow old with you…

“Peter Pan came one night and invited me to Neverland where I can never grow old. I was about to go but I refused cause I thought of something better to do.

That is to grow old with you.”

Peter Pan and Wendy

Cheesy? What will you think if you’ll receive that quote from someone who doesn’t really forward text quotes from time to time? From someone whom you know there’s something unnamed that exists between the two of you? And what if days or maybe a week after receiving that text quote, you’ll find out that he just had a girlfriend?

I received that text quote April 2005 from someone who doesn’t really forward text quotes maybe because we use different networks and yes, there is something unnamed between the two of us, we used to be an item way back our younger years but more than that I can say that we have a “what’s between the two of us is between the two of us” situation. Sadly, days or maybe a week after receiving that text quote he told me that he already have a girlfriend.

My fairy tales, my fantasies we’re shattered. I’ll be honest to admit that I was happy receiving that message no matter how cheesy it is. It felt like finally after holding back for so long, he now has gathered the strength to tell me that “he wants to grow old with me”, that he loves me.

We both know that there is something special that exists between the two of us. He says things that makes me feel that way whenever we’re burning phone lines and exchanging messages in cyberspace. There is something special the way he looks at me and I’m not the only one who can attest to that. We never went out together ‘though we go to parties as a group. We never did what people in relationships usually do. We only hold each other’s hand when the situation calls for such as, dances. It’s an open secret that I like him, really like him but it’s also a secret what happens whenever it’s just the two of us.

I somehow understand why he chose that kind of situation for us, he’s afraid of gossips, he doesn’t like us to be in the campus limelight as couple, I understand that very well. ‘Though if you ask me, I really don’t care about the gossips and with the campus limelight thing, we’re already there as unofficial couples so what is left to be afraid of, but a teenage girl who believes and conforms with decorum can do nothing but wait for her guy to make the first move for things to be official. But that didn’t happen or maybe will never happen.

More than being who we are to each other, we’re friends. He has that gift of wisdom that enlightens me each time I need some burst of sunshine. So even after finding out that he has a girlfriend, I remained to be his friend but I need to put some distance, of course. I didn’t know, why despite of how bad I was hurt, I still managed to find the strength to face the truth. Maybe, because the truth is right in front of me and I’ve got no choice or maybe I chose to believe that I just assumed things, I was just day dreaming, there was really nothing special to begin with. I don’t have any right to know what’s behind all the innuendos because those were nothing but mere overrated actions. I chose to believe that there was nothing so that, I can just be numb.

But just a month ago, he made his presence actively felt once again. Thanks, because he was really a friend with the perfect timing, as always, to share his gift of wisdom. But we’re back to where we were before and things are more complicated now that we’re older. He is and will still be that special person who was generous enough to share his friendship with me but, he will also be that person who hurt me.

Things changed, I’ve changed maybe he also changed. I know, I shouldn’t be affected anymore because I don’t like him now but, it’s the questions left unanswered, the what if’s and feelings left unsaid. I was left hanging and maybe I will wonder all my life what could have been? ‘Though it wouldn’t matter now, whether it’s a yes or a no but closure is all I’m asking for.

It could be he wants to ask for a chance now, maybe he’s ready now, I don’t know I don’t want to assume, again. But all I know is no matter how beautiful Peter Pan and Wendy’s story is, no matter what they had to go through still…Wendy didn’t end up marrying Peter Pan, because he refused to grow while Wendy chose to grow and just move on. I am still his Wendy, and I also chose to be brave, grow and move on but I still think about him at times, he’ll always be a part of me. My Peter Pan might have been afraid of the consequences of growing old with me but just in case he finally decided, he is a bit late now to be honest but who knows, maybe in time, I can transform as Moira.

Surviving Flood

Super typhoon “Pepeng” is already here in the Philippines, not to mention that we are still recovering from the tropical storm, “Ondoy’s” aftermat. As a cliche goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”, offices had their business hours shortened, classes are still suspended and early evacuation of residents in the lowlands are being implemented. Heavier rains and bigger floods are expected since the said typhoon is stronger and has passed through a lot of oceans which means it’s holding a lot of water, not to mention that most of our drainage system is still unclogged because the heavy floods we experienced last weekend. Since we were all caught unguarded by “Ondoy”, all we could do now is to take all the necessary precautions. So, let me share with you an article I received through e-mail hoping that it will help, in times like this, apart from prayers, we can only do so much.

Flooded streets by Ondoy

Timely advice from a flood veteran (who also writes).

from an experienced flood victim
By Gwendolyn So

Unbeknownst to many, my family and I are experts when it comes to
flooding. By this I mean that for almost 10 years when we lived in a low
part of Sto. Domingo Street in Quezon City , we experienced flooding
INSIDE the house at least once a year and if I remember correctly,
sometimes it was twice or even thrice a year.

The first time it happened we were in shock, but as it happened more and
more it became routine. Here are some nuggets of wisdom that may help:

1. I learned that once the water reaches knee level, the gates can?t be
opened anymore because of the water pressure. We thought we still had time
to take the cars out but realized we were trapped. That time our cars
submerged. Make sure you know which area near your residence is considered
higher ground and take your cars there EARLY.

2. Do not despair so much if your cars submerge. They can be fixed. It?s
expensive and takes a long time for the smell to go away, but it?s not the
end of the world. After the flood, just let the car dry. We were still
able to use our Hi-Ace and Mitsubishi Lancer despite their having been
half submerged in floodwaters.

3. I learned that heavy stuff, like the ref and shelves, FLOAT. So every
year from then on, we would TIE DOWN heavy appliances like the ref (too
heavy to carry upstairs but in latter years we did lug it all the way up
to the 2nd floor), the big shelves with wedding souvenirs and knick knacks
and my dad?s collection of wine. How did we do that? Tie them to the
windows.

4. Adrenalin will give you superpowers once you decide you?re not afraid
of a little water and start saving what you can. In my case, it was my
collection of books. They?re not rare first editions but regular books.
However, I love my books and I?m not letting them drown! I was able to
move and carry our heavy sofa powered by my body?s own adrenalin hormone.

5. You can have fun in the midst of disaster so I took out our cameras and
starting taking pictures. It was to make everyone have a good laugh as we
surveyed the chaos around us, the cockroaches and rats swimming by, the
black inky spots of oily stuff occasionally floating around.

6. Apparently, no matter how much you?re enjoying yourself frolicking in
the water and saving what you can, once the cold water reaches your chest
(especially your nipples), you start to shiver and it gets hard to
breathe. This is the time to give up and go upstairs.

7. If your electricity stays on, go to the switch box and turn off all the
electric outlets downstairs but not upstairs.

8. Cleaning after the flood is a pain. Once the waters recede, you are
left with mud everywhere. They stick so you have to get the hose and start
using the walis tingting (how do you say this in English? It?s a broom
made of just think twigs/sticks tied together in a thick bundle). You just
keep the water running and sweep, sweep, sweep like there?s no tomorrow.

9. You must scrub the walls with disinfectant. If you only rinse with
water, it will still smell. We used Lysol. Scrub, scrub, scrub like
there?s no tomorrow.

10. First time water got inside our house, we didn?t know we had to use
Lysol and that the drying process is super vital. So, after a few days,
there was this nauseating smell and later we found molds growing
everywhere! We had returned the furniture and appliances to their normal
places and the walls behind grew molds. Yuck!!!

11. We were still able to use our ref that floated in flood waters. Just
clean and clean and dry and dry.

12. Once electricity is available, get out all your fans and dry
everything thoroughly.

13. Yes, paint will peel off and wooden drawers and shelves deform.
Salvage what can be used. Once they dry, it?s still ok but sometimes the
drawers get stuck because the wood expanded so you have no choice but to
destroy it because icky water is still trapped inside.

14. Wait at least 2 to 3 days to dry everything. Use fans and hairdryers.
Do not, I repeat, do not be in a hurry to return stuff you saved to their
original places.

15. Have this mindset: Ah, it?s good Im now forced to do a general
cleaning of my house. Now I have no choice but to do it.

It is easy to go insane after this kind of calamity, to despair of the
material things we lost (especially the cars), but please be thankful you
got away with your life and that of your family and loved ones

–
Amy Aguilar Cheang

“Lord, as we stand helpless in this display of nature’s wrath, we implore the name of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit to save all those affected by the floods. Please command the rains to stop & the floods to subside. Keep us all safe & dry O Lord. This we ask in the mighty name of Jesus. AMEN.”

Gah-Sah-Hamnida

All the people around us exist for a reason, some are there to be strong for us when we’re weak, while others make us feel wanted, some exist to keep balance, while some shakes up things, others make us cry so we can stay human while others make us laugh all the time, others makes us go nuts and be crazy while others exist to bring wisdom, and in my life,that’s you.

Whether we like it or not, our lives are somehow connected, we can almost say that we practically grew up together. We’re friends, that’s for sure and you’re one of those people whom I can truly trust. I sincerely hope that you know and you can feel that I really do.

I don’t know what you think about me, I ‘ve done all sorts of crazy things and said a lot of stupid stuffs before. Most of the time, I want to faint when I remember those silly things while talking to you, most especially when we’re face to face. Many times I wished that your memory is so poor that you can’t remember any of the foolishness. ‘Though it’s pretty obvious that you still remember things but never mentioned it directly. You never assumed anything despite of the obvious, you caught me billions of times throwing sureptitious glances at you, which means you are looking at me too, oh here I go again, assuming.

We never talked about it and as I said you never assumed anything, ‘though we know that there is something that exists. We can talk over the phone and chat over YM freely but not the same as when we’re face to face, we both know that it’s not easy, people around us will surely notice the closeness, the way we look at each other and just like me they’ll assume things, things which are far greater than what I assume and sometimes rumors are created out of it.

I must admit that I like you or may be even loved you at a certain point. I even got mad at you for breaking my heart thrice but you never noticed that ’cause I didn’t allow you to. I heard all the rumors and saw the actual evidences, leading me to hold on to the belief that the feelings are mutual but you are just afraid, so I ended up broken hearted. It’s like we’re characters in the story Leaf, Tree and Wind, I am the leaf, you are the tree and ok fine, he’s the wind. What else can a girl do but wait, right?

We had our own love lives, we had lost contact with them but us? we still have our “friendship”. I’ve let you go, it wasn’t easy ’cause you’re presence is still felt every now and then. You might not know the actual day of my birthday, I can’t blame you for being confused and I know dates are your weakness but you still didn’t miss greeting me. Christmas and New Year are not complete without receiving even just a simple greeting from you.

Maybe, you’re one of the “over rated” things is my life but let it be. For I’ve got thousands of reasons to be thankful for having you. You are my strength and my weakness, at times. You’re wisdom gives me realization, you’re optimism makes me see how beautiful life is. When it comes to friendship, you have the perfect timing but other than that?…never mind.

You’re sudden active presence in my life surely will stir up things and I must admit that I don’t want a real life Gossip Girl thing to be in existence, it’ll only complicate things. I am thankful for you, that I would never deny but somehow I am afraid where this might lead again for the nth time for God knows how hard it is to battle my so-called 100 squares of letting go especially when I know I don’t have a reason to get mad at you apart from you doing things and saying things that leads me to stupid misinterpretations.

It’s hard to stop things from happening, especially when it involves things we can’t take control of. I don’t if I should allow myself to be once again an all too willing victim or if I should use the better part of my brains that is telling me to stop.

So for now, let me just say thanks for having the gift of wisdom and sharing it with me, thanks for giving me a reason to smile no matter how life has treated me badly.

For now, all I can say is “Thank You”.

Repost: Out of here

I received this through email, it’s a very nice article, I thought I was reading my sentiments, I can truly relate to it, so let me share it with you.

Out of here
By Anna Veniza R. Arcilla
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:10:00 09/12/2009

Filed Under: Employment
Soon I will be leaving the company that has been my home for two years and nine months. The idea of leaving has been giving me nightmares, but I know this is what I really want.
When I first joined the company, I was an idealistic neophyte who believed that as long as I was doing my job, no problems would arise. I was happy with the company, and it became a second home for me. I gained friends and even won their respect and loyalty. I developed feelings for someone who turned out to be a womanizer (the feeling lasted for only one month), and now he is my ka tropa. I fell seriously for an IT guy with a wide forehead (who just got promoted recently), and now we are kind of “MU” (mutual understanding) after two years of waiting. And I was able to save enough money for some of my future plans.
Months passed. New people were hired, and trained. Some old co-workers got promoted and some left for reasons I could not comprehend at first.
Then it suddenly dawned on me that something was wrong with the situation. There were nice people who got promoted and began sprouting horns on their heads. There were others who were already bad even before they were hired and they were spreading discontent and havoc.
I saw a couple of my fellow workers crying because a monster of a manager had screamed at them. Even as tears continued to flow from their swollen eyes, they were still checking documents and searching for errors, no matter how hard it was to focus on the computer screen.
I saw my pregnant friend crying because a satanic manager was cursing her online. Another friend was humiliated by a moody manager when she filed for a leave of absence.
I reacted violently when the company decided to increase our salaries based on our rating system. A nice manager had given a neophyte a grade of 4+ (even if he was still committing a lot of errors) while another manager gave an experienced worker a grade of 2 (even though she was one of the best employees). The neophyte received a P1,700 salary increase and the latter got a P300 increase. Was that fair?
I learned that when somebody got promoted, it meant he had stepped on someone else, like crabs in a basket. I also learned that an employee is only an employee, and no matter how long he has been in the company and how hard he has been working, he still remains just an employee—without a voice, without the right to talk or to question things, and with the duty to follow and act dumb.
I am not saying this because I feel bitter. Bitter over what? Because I have never been promoted even if I have put all my energies into my work? Because I sacrificed time for my family so I could render overtime work in compliance with orders of my superiors? When my mom died in a hospital, I didn’t know about it until my shift was over because we were not allowed to bring cell phones into the work area.
It is every worker’s dream to be promoted because it means receiving a salary higher as well as some perks and privileges. But in this company, I cannot even dream of being promoted because that won’t change anything. Instead it will give the people above you another excuse to bully you.
I know that I am sounding like a spoiled brat, sulking over things I cannot have. But sometimes you need to act like a brat so that you will get what you really want. And now all I want is a work place that will be a true second home for me.
So, I had this plan of leaving, and a plan to find a replacement. Then I told my boss that I was quitting.
Two of the best managers of our department talked to me and told me they were happy with my decision. They understood and they knew how I felt. They seemed actually to share my relief as I was telling them about my decision.
Friends are asking me what made me quit. I tell them there is life after work, and that I need my life back. I need to slow down and assess my life and feel free for a while. And my only regret is that I didn’t do it earlier. I’m not running from the things that make me apply excessive eye liner and eye shadow to express my anger, I just want to clear my mind and know who I really am.
Now I realize that working hard is not enough to make one happy on the job. Some things aren’t good as what we want to be. I know that by leaving, I can learn things other than what I know now. I am not dumb, and I don’t want to be forever following black witches’ orders.
I used to be a kind, soft-spoken girl with an understanding heart, but now I am completely the opposite. I came to the point of looking at life as if it’s a curse. I don’t want myself to continue hating life.
I want the old me but I want to bring with me the things I learned. This place has made me strong. It taught me to be thankful for living a simple life, simple yet happy. It also made me realize that I miss my family and friends.
My father told me that I should look for a new job where I can be happy and which will not take me far from them. He reminded me that they had taught me and my siblings to believe that simplicity spells happiness. Who am I to disagree?
When I go, I will be leaving behind the people who have been nice to me. But this is a small world and I know we will bump into each other again and again. And there is Facebook and Friendster to help us stay in touch. As for the IT guy, he will still be there, texting me every night.

(Anna Veniza R. Arcilla, 26, is a graduate of Jose Rizal University with a Bachelor of Commercial Science Major in Management degree.)

The (pink) Notebook

My own version of "The Notebook"

I used to keep a notebook where I write down silly stuffs about a certain person but just like any normal fascination I eventually stopped writing with no particular reason at all.

Two days ago, for reasons I couldn’t fathom I looked for the notebook and brought it in the office. I opened it to write again but this time minus the silly stuff about that person. I was surprised to find out just how crazy I got over that person, I consumed almost or even more than half of my beautiful pink notebook just for him. I didn’t know that I was that crazy. I backed out on my own plan on writing on that notebook again ’cause opening it brings all sorts of things on which I have no name for. Much more when I began reading some of it, my goodness who’s the girl who wrote all of these things? Was it me? I still can’t believe it. I am still shocked at the evidence on how crazy I once was and maybe how crazy I am ’til now ’cause I’m blogging about it. So for now, I’m not opening that notebook, not anytime soon.